Alcohol can be super helpful to you and here’s how

Repeated failure to make it to professional or personal events? Late for everything? Poor or inconsistent work ethic? Neglecting loved ones? Lying? Mood swings? No big deal. Alcohol can be super helpful to you and here’s how.
When you are feeling bad about yourself, don’t you want to forget it? Who wants to feel shame. Not me! Alcohol is like a mask and you can put it in your face and feel so out of it or overly confident with your intangible daydreams and perpetual laziness that nothing at all will matter. 
Every time Bill Murray sips whiskey with Scarlett Johansson or The Dude drinks a White Russian and smokes pot at the bowling alley, you too can make a drink and roll a spliff. Why not? These are some of our best friends, these two-dimensional heroes on the silverscreen. If they can do it we sure as hell can.
And you can’t deal with confrontation alone, that would be messed up. So please, do not deny yourself a little social lubrication. The worst that could happen is you lose your job, your fiancé, your family, your life. No biggie.
And while we’re at it, I know you meditate with your cat. But your willpower is inconsistent, right? You could take a cocktail of vitamins or you could just drink the Jameson in the cupboard and watch Buffy reruns. You can’t control one hour to the next, and who wants to try? This isn’t the SATs. Like global warming and Ebola, nothing is in your hands, so it’s no problem. Break down, open that bottle and be powerless.
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