Midnight note

I’m sick of obstacles. Obstacles in my life, in my wallet, in my marriage, in my head. I’m sick of anxiety and fear. I want to have faith and be compassionate and patient and kind.

For my daughter. 

For myself.

I was so aggravated today. My mom, who I love dearly and respect, (especially for all the hard work and nursing she did over the years), also aggravates the hell out of me with negativity and nagging. And then there is Charley. A man-baby.

But night arrives, everyone is asleep, and I toss aside my pride and feel peace. It’s late. Sprinkles of rain like confetti falling slow every which way the wind blows.

It reminds me of Oregon. And I feel some of the inspiration I felt in undergrad. Apply for tutoring gigs…I always liked doing that. Teaching one-on-one, it’s one reason I love this being a mom. 

Charley is a mess. But he left to make things better. Somehow. To find the inner man. I need to remember that he did that and that’s what he wants to do and I need to stop being mean. He is mean. I am mean. I’m always mean when I’m sad. We’re mean when we feel misunderstood. I hate that.

I love lying next to Dakota. Silent night, only a clock ticking and a fan humming, and Dakota squirms in baby dreams, a hint of a smile on her mouth.