Da da

“Pull your thing up Claudia.”


“You’re showing everything.” Too much cleavage with this dress. Oh no. 

Yes, mom is in town. Ex-Air Force Captain, judgemental military nurse. Fun. She sort of eyes my baby up and down. 

“That’s enough.” But I don’t think she can find much fault. Perhaps excess drool. 

An hour at the DMV to find out I need more proof I took a DUI class five years ago in California, and an hour in traffic to Santa Fe to get her at the tiniest airport in the world.

“It’s not Jackson”, she says, entering Taos for the first time.

We go to museums. We go out to eat. Some more information about why I’m a disappointment.

“Oh you’re so cute”, she fusses with Dakota’s dresses, her hat, her drool. Dakota farts and smiles. She is an angel.

We’re at a New Mexican restaurant, Orlando’s. I love this place. Bright, colorful, spicy. They’re playing loud Latin music and we’re sitting outside by the roses so the occasional Dakota scream is acceptable.

“I didn’t order chile relaynoh”.


“I didn’t order relaynoh.”

“That’s a tamale, not chile relleno.”


“…Is it good?”

Mom nods, slowly. “A little on the hot side…”

I take Duke and Freyja on a late afternoon walk in the valley. The sun is setting and a path of white clouds are hovering over the Sangre de Christos. My relaxation is smothered by gloomy thoughts about Charley. Why Moab all the time? Is he having an affair? Judging from tv shows and porn, everyone is having an affair. Everyone is quite literally always alone or having an affair. There’s no in-between. There’s no happy perfect couple. Even a girl  I knew from Tumblr, who just posted about her happy anniversary, used to exchange nudes with a guy I used to exchange nudes with, so I guess I’m just very old-fashioned or the world is an utter mess of unevolved souls looking to sex secrets for a sense of purpose.

I wish my mom felt like a comfort. I somehow missed that boat. The strong mom and daughter invincible love boat. I even asked her to see “Wonder Woman” and she was just “meh, whatever”. Everyone is going to this movie. This is a feminist, female-empowering epic masterpiece, or so I am told. I will take Dakota. I will be that strong mom. I am that strong mom. Fuck Charley and my cleavage and the DMV and my bad credit and any boat I’ve missed that I thought I needed to be on to be happy.

Charley is still in Moab on Sunday night and says he will be back Monday, but on Monday morning I’ve written a novel in his messenger and want him to know that if he prefers to be there and act like a bachelor then he should stay but I love him and I hope he’s faithful, whatever.

I’m sorry to anyone who has lost a loved one too soon and very sorry for anyone who has not appreciated the love they have had when they had it. A girl I knew from a blog once upon a time has passed away. I hate finding these things out via Facebook. She was young and healthy. She was recently married, 31, and no one knows yet why this happened but she’s gone and now her husband is going to have to deal with losing the love of his life for the rest of his. So yes it makes me feel extra bad that my husband, my love, never seems to appreciate what he has now. What could happen? Nobody knows. This unpredictable, fickle life. 

Summertime is a good time to hike and walk around the plaza. I get a Mexican iced mocha Chimayo cat.

“8 months?” a tall, dashing older man asks.

“Yes, how’d you know?”

“Happy baby.”

“Happy place to be a baby.” I should find myself an older man.

Oh god. Here we go. 

“Well your dad’s getting tired of paying-” mom begins.

“NO. No no no, I don’t want to hear you right now.” 

Is she trying to make me feel better? If you’ve followed my blog at all you know I recently spent $250 and drove to Durango to save Charley from a binder trip stranded with homeless people. He said he couldn’t possibly find a ride out. I drove four hours around the town asking “Have you seen this guy? This dog?” I spotted Duke by the river. Charley was passed out, his head on a fat homeless girl’s lap. Now on his way back from Moab he chooses to stay in Durango to “find a ride”. 

“I know people on the streets here.”

Okay. That’s it. The final fucking straw and I mean it this time. I’m not saving him ever again. He’s on his own. 

“Well you wouldn’t pick me up in Santa Fe and I don’t want to be stuck there-”

If this is on purpose and he is making the choice to return to a place he was freezing in with a fucking posse of alcoholics panhandling then good Fucking riddance I fucking HATE THIS STUPID MARRIAGE.

And I wouldn’t change a thing if it meant I wouldn’t have Dakota. Nothing. But the future is something else.

No one’s surprised. His dad gives me some pointers on my book. Great voice. Strong. Maybe watch how honest I am though. People aren’t going to want to open up to me.

Miyoki waffles up and cuddles by my side. This fucking cat. I’ve had her through Portland and Berkeley and Jackson Hole. She is fat with matted gray hair and kind of a bitch but I love her. I love this family of animals and a baby. I don’t need the most selfish bastard in the Universe in it. He can fend for himself.

“Da da da da da da-” Dakota says again and again. I hope this is just a coincidence. Like the easiest letters to pronounce. 

“Say Ma ma. SAY MAMA!”