Horrorscopes for horrible people 

You’re not Anne Boleyn getting beheaded by an expert French swordsman for not giving birth to a son but you should be. In order to be a true revolutionary you will need to make friends.

TAURUS: You are a specimen in a history museum. If you had a good head on your shoulders then you would get somewhere, but you don’t.

GEMINI: You make the world go flat. Get out of the way. You’re holding everyone up.

CANCER: You’re not an old quarterhorse named Cotton Candy being sold on a local Facebook garage sale page but you should be. You will get a karmic kick in the ass.

LEO: You know those vitamins that don’t have a smooth surface and barely make it down your throat? You are one of those vitamins. You will fail before you even try.

VIRGO: Get serious. Just kidding, you’re too serious and it’s bringing everyone down.

LIBRA: You are not a fun person. You will get hit by a car. Soon.

SCORPIO: The one you thought was right for you will never be the one who really sees you. Your judgments are ruining your life.

SAGITTARIUS: It isn’t possible to love and part. You will wish that it was, idealistic idiot.

CAPRICORN: You are the unwanted, uninformed, ranting pseudoliberal with cliché sociological lingo from your undergrad lecture of people. Get another degree. Maybe then you will feel smart.

AQUARIUS: Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things.

PISCES: Get away from everyone and feel at peace with the universe. Just kidding, the universe doesn’t like you.