Be your own polygraph test

A polygraph is a lie detector. Can you detect a lie without one? Probably not. That’s why your husband can get away with his lies, or your dog can steal the fried chicken in your car without your even knowing anything about it.

I’m not Sherlock, and I don’t pretend to know everything about who is telling the truth and who isn’t, but I do have a developed hypersensitivity to faces and a few acquired techniques to work with to give me a more accurate idea of whether or not everyone is doing what they say they are doing:

Genuine facial expressions are usually symmetrical. If bae’s face is crooked you should worry.

Absurdly enough, liars tend to make more eye contact than people who tell the truth. If your boyfriend is staring into your eyes with an expression of love he probably is a big fat liar.

Genuine smiles tend to mean narrowed eyes and a slightly upturned mouth. Doe eyes mean mo’ lies.

Ask a liar a question he or she will often repeat it. “Did I sleeeeppp with someone else???!” Yes, he did.

Honest people like contractions (don’t) and dishonest people don’t (do not). Eloquence is appropriated even by the worst trash person.

Defensiveness means they’re usually full of shit. “WHHHAAAATTT?” he says when you discover your waffles are missing. He ate them.

Stiffness in the body like crossed arms is a sure indicator of a liar. Bad at yoga? Liar.

An active chin is a sign of lies. Does his or her chin muscles twitch when they act happy or sad? Genuine emotion means no chin. Liar!