Betty said her 6-year-old boy started showing signs of wanting to be like his sister when he came to the breakfast table dressed in her tutu. Betty bought him a football, baseball and basketball. Betty said, “James, you’re going to pick a manly sport and practice every day with your dad until you’re a man.”

Carl had to watch his son Chase, 12, delve obsessively into the world of musicals. He was dancing to Grease and singing Les Miserables. “When he stole his stepmother’s lipstick and sang ‘On My Own’ to the bathroom mirror I knew I had to take action or I’d lose my son,” Carl said. So he went out and bought a gun. “Every real man has one.”

So what makes a real man?

“Old Spice, a beard, blind confidence,” mused Betty. She says her husband Tanner is the ultimate man. “He doesn’t listen, he doesn’t clean, and if I ask him to help with the dishes he calls me a nagging bitch. He’s a real man.”

Carl believes a real man is someone who doesn’t whine and doesn’t cry. He thinks Chase should stop singing show tunes and start opening doors for women and watching Trump rallies.

“I only became a man when I learned to make a woman feel like she had someone to take care of her,” he said.

Carl’s first wife left him two years ago to pursue an editorial career. “She had a lot of growing up to do before she could accept a real man in her life,” he said with a swig of beer. “She was a stubborn bitch to be honest.”


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