Olympic events for the layperson 

You love to watch the Olympics but you’re better at eating a carton of rocky road than running a marathon. That’s fine! There are events for you that can be experienced in the solace of your living room:


When you’re watching Simone Biles nail the floor exercise, mute the TV, turn on Wiz Khalifa, and jump around the couch! Lift your legs over the inside arm, and throw your head back over the throw pillows. Nibble on a chicken leg while running your finger over the front skirt panel. You are an oleaginous mix of athleticism and grace.


USA’s Natasha Hastings is competing in the 400 meter. You study her muscular legs and toned abs. You take a bite of your sandwich. Okay, time to get off the couch and on the floor. She kneels to the track, placing her stronger left foot forward. You follow suit, and as she shoots forward you spring up, into a pile of pillows. Your dogs attack your face. No one else comes close; you are the inevitable gold medal recipient. Have another bite of sandwich.


Preferably you have a phone to watch Olympic events online while you sit in a lavender, eucalyptus and Epsom salt-infused bubble bath. It’s important to maintain a precipitous level of bubbles in the bath while your fingers and toes prune over the course of an afternoon swimming program. While Ryan Lochte swims freestyle to gold you splash soap. Extra points for dousing your cat. All the points if you can give her a bubble goatee. Again, you win. More ice cream for you.