The Donald has, from what is recorded, five kids: Donald Trump Jr. born in 1977 and Eric Trump born in 1984, daughter Ivanka Trump born in 1981 with ex-wife Ivana Trump, daughter Tiffany (who?) Trump born in 1993 with ex-wife Marla Maples, and son, Barron Trump, born in 2006 with current wife, Melania. Each child is a snobby, self-important miniature Trump in their own unique way.

But what insights can each child offer us by studying their carefully manicured public appearances in the wake of their father’s attempted carnival ride from Miss America to the White House?

Trump, who was voted class “Ladies Man” by classmates on New York Military Academy’s class of 1964 at Cornwall-on-Hudson (because his classmates feared his stone-faced dad Friedrich’s wrath and power), has carefully sprinkled his own inherited cash and superciliousness into each of his children. Child one, aka. Junior, and Eric both have been described as looking like the 80’s style yuppie villain in American Pyscho. With their greased-back locks, cool dead stares and small pursed lips they mirror their father’s preening, pop-collar conservative roots. They both insist that confidence only comes from being rich so long as you have no one in your world who dares say no to you.

Trump has made strangely sexual comments about both his daughters’ bodies, from legs to breasts. He has also said “If [Ivanka] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I would be dating her.” Ivanka says he empowers women. The only qualifications necessary? To be beautiful, brainless and kiss Trump’s ass constantly. But what wouldn’t an heir say? Little Barron just smirks.