HAVE YOUR EXISTENTIAL CRISIS WITHOUT MAKING ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE

Instead of “I fear my own lack of significance in the world and that I’m going to die alone with nothing to be remembered for and no one to carry on my name,” say something like “I go confidently in the direction of my mediocre dreams; life is so great.”

Instead of saying, “I feel dead inside” try “life is like riding a tricycle.”


Instead of “I can’t tell if I’m heartbroken or depressed” say, “I believe in my dumb self.”


If you’re thinking, “Everything’s horrible, life is very bad” say out loud and with great emphasis, “I am good old stupid me! There is no one who is more stupid me than stupid me!”


If you want to throw in the towel and your brain is flooded with thoughts like, “I can’t do anything,” “I’m a failure,” or “I just don’t belong in this world,” instead stand tall, hold your head up high and declare, “Start fresh! See the bright opportunity in each new horrible day!”


And if you want to just scream “Everyone’s just using me and I’m never gonna be as special as I felt as a kid and I’m so ALONE,” just STOP. Reconsider and say to the first lucky passerby you come across, “I can’t WAIT till somebody loves me for the wild, emotionally traumatized, shy, unpredictable, creepy, jealous and beautiful person that I am,” because you are a shining star, a pearl, a unique oyster. You are as valuable as a TV dinner. You are as loved as a six-pack. You probably have a stalker. You are whatever and people will appreciate that.

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