HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK TO

Them: Nice weather isn’t it? You: I don’t even think bees have knees.
Them: Bad weather isn’t it? You: I love thunder. It’s a good alternative to screaming.
Them: You look tired. You: To be honest, I’m feeling pretty good for a 400-year old witch.
Them: I prefer my Kindle; people have too much stuff. You: If you thinks books are stuff then a Kindle’s probably right for you.
Them: Nice sweater; is it used? You: I like your beard, it hides half your dumb face.
Them: You look depressed. You: You look like a guy who used to be obsessed with me.
Them: The world is horrible these days. You: Life is hard but at least you’re not Anne Boleyn getting beheaded by an expert french swordsman for not giving birth to a son.
Them: Nobody appreciates how hard I work. You: It’s all fun and games until you realize it’s depressing and serious.
Them: Wow you’re getting married? That was fast. You: Funny how offended people can get when they find out you have a mind of your own.
Them: Wow you’re pregnant? Are you ready for that responsibility? You: I’m sorry but could you speak a little quieter? I’m having trouble ignoring you.
Them: You’re weird. You: I’m really fun if you’re a depressed person.
Them [looking at my burrito]: That’s two meals. You: I hate your face.
Them: Bernie Sanders- You: It blows my mind that we are looking into the past when we look into space and that I exist at all.
Them: Blah blah blah. You: I know I’m a good listener but please shut up.

Advertisements