This is what happens when the world ends…

“There are like 10,000 asteroids about to hit Earth.”

“We’re going to pass through a dust cloud that will block the sun for 200,000 years.”

A prediction from Nostradamus stating the “King of Terror” would come from the sky in “1999 and 7 months” led to fears of the world’s end in ’99.

The Mayan calendar at the end of the 13th b’ak’tun predicted our downfall on 12/21/12, when Earth would collide with Nibiru.

There are 5,000 predictions of Armageddon, and when you sprinkle in Desperate Housewives of NJ and our current U.S. presidential campaign, it isn’t a wonder that the world might end at any moment. The question isn’t “will the world end” but “what should we expect when it happens?” Will you be a dehumanized citizen or empathetic replicant?

First of all, the apocalypse is going to be pretty terrible and unromantic. Everything will be destroyed except juke boxes. People will forget how to bathe. The president will be chosen from “The Desperate Politicians of America.” They will wear pastel yoga pants. The First Lady will address the country in one-legged pigeon pose. Oprah’s hologram will grace the covers of O magazine.

Whiskey-infused pacifiers will calm restless crib dwelling neonates everywhere. Talking rings will tell of the Earth’s history, a nuclear war and [STATIC INTERRUPTION] Katy Perry will sing. Black will be gold and blue will be white. Everyone will be blinded from screens. Seeing eye dogs will take over the world. They will tie us to bike racks and feed us milk bones. Bees will be dead. Rationality will be dead.

All we’ll have left is applesauce.