Choosing the vice that will solve all your problems

You always feel one insight removed from total happiness. How do you get from point A (crying in the tub, watching House of Cards with a carton of rocky road) to point B (feeling like a hundred bucks, dominating conversations, being the life of every social gathering and basically transforming into a rock star)?

Have you ever heard of self-medicating? Of course! People do this all the time when they’re just out of high school and ready to be themselves, explore and conquer the world. Here is an opportunity to learn about and finally choose for yourself the perfect vice to make you a supreme being:

Coffee: It makes you talk fast and you’ll gain palatable anxiety and crankiness.

Alcohol: False confidence with lasting shame, slurred speech, drowsiness, failed relationships and jobs. What’s not to love?

Heroin: This opioid painkiller will make you feel like a queen and lead to slurred speech and wobbly walking. You might even die or get AIDS!

Cigarettes: These will probably kill you, but subtly and over time. First you’ll get plenty of wrinkles and dirty teeth.

Overeating: This vice will make you look and feel disgusting. No big deal, you can eat your pain away. Cake never abandons you.

Gambling: Befriend old chain-smoking casino dwellers in leather. Lust after riches you’ll never attain.

Shopping: Take whatever money you do have and spend it immediately. You’ll feel good about it for several minutes and the residual guilt and debt will just make you relatable to the rest of society.

Sex: It’s super fun and experimental. Only problems are sometimes chlamydia, herpes, HPV, gonorrhea, AIDS.