When you see your ex for the first time in years

  
It’s a stressful situation to run into anyone from your past. 
There are the old HS crushes you made out with on a ski trip and the old coworkers from the office who watched you break a door and storm out forever. Then there are the exes: the one who broke your heart then stepped on it for six months at your neighbor’s house; the one who killed your cat then cheated with a melancholic hippie. You don’t exactly want to run into one of these guys again but it’s guaranteed that it will happen, regardless of how many states you have separated yourself from him or how many years have passed. The only thing you can do is be prepared when the inevitable occurs.
Ask him what his name is.
If he says “Look, I think we should be friends now” retort, “are you still working at the grocery store?” 
Be nice. Tell him you hope he’s well and you are a lot happier without his limp dick.
Be nicer. Go up to your hot male friend and point at your ex, “Fuck that guy.”
Give him a dollar and tell him to clean up.
Give him a voodoo doll with its head cut off.
If you do have an actual conversation, don’t talk for more than two minutes. If he keeps talking, flip your hair and tell him you have a hot date with an Australian astrophysicist. 
Is he with a hot chick? Does he look hot? Tell him he looks like an old man. Ask if that’s his grandma. 
Smile a lot. Stand tall. You are a queen.

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