The simple joys of carrying another human in your body

  
Are you pregnant and exhausted, moody, swollen, gassy and generally uncomfortable? Not to fret, symptoms of pregnancy can be great fun.
Your feet will fall asleep. You’ll be stuck awkwardly trying to stand up as a glorious pain shoots up your legs and you’re left in the hallway having to go to the bathroom. 
You’ll spend every second in the bathroom or having to go to the bathroom. After you go to the bathroom you’ll have to go to the bathroom again. If you’re at work and you can’t leave for a bathroom break, you will stress for several maddening minutes about how much you have to go to the bathroom.
Whatever you used to think about your breasts will go out the window once you’ve had a taste of firmer, larger boobs. Soon they’ll be covered in bite marks and spit.
You’ll worry constantly. You used to worry about everything anyway but now it’s a 24/7 job. Nothing, not even sex, baths or Meg Ryan movies, will be able to stop you.
You’ll want to simultaneously murder, and yet be assured, that the father of your child will be a good dad. He is the foundation of everything and a disease to be eradicated. He is insufferable and unexpendable.
You will feel like a whale. Like the most enormous whale in the ocean.
In the not too distant future you will experience the most excruciating pain you have never even been able to fathom, followed by being personally responsible for the welfare of another human being for the rest of your life. 
You will drink pickle juice.

Advertisements