HOW TO BE A SERIOUS SCIENTIST WITHOUT THE BOTHERSOME EDUCATION

  
You loved Carl Sagan and went to Space Camp in fourth grade, but you studied Philosophy instead of Astronomy and now you’re watching your cousin get his PhD in Astrophysics and your old prom date play with atoms in Sweden while you sell books. There is nothing wrong with your life, per se, but you’d like to explore the scientific side of your brain. Well here’s how to be a scientist without the pesky education:
Immediately buy a telescope: You’ll need a telescope, a microscope and a pair of binoculars. The beginning of becoming a scientist is covering all of the bases of sight.
The next step is finding your niche. There are so many niches. Are you into thermodynamics? Quantum physics? Biology? Chemistry? Oceanography? Space archaeology? Ophthalmology? Botany? Are you theoretical or hands-on?
Find your niche, then buy no less than 50 books and 100 sciencey gadgets. Make a corner of your home “Science Corner” and keep a magnifying glass, books, trinkets, dead animals and a lab coat there at all times. This is your research station. You’ll need a journal, blackboard with equations, Einstein mug, monocle, globe, tape recorder and 400 post-its with various phrases about science on the wall, like “I fucking love Ophthalmology.”
You’ll need to constantly say things like “The circumference of the sphere that surrounds U + ME is A x the weight on my heart every morning,” and “We can all time travel just by looking up at the night sky; the red star Betelgeuse, for instance, is only light we see from 642 years ago.”
You will be the belle of the polymer ball.

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