End unwanted conversations like a pro

  
We all have those people we run into on a regular basis and, against our will, are forced to converse with for 5-10 awkward minutes, six bags of groceries in hand, exhausted, distracted, stomach growling and wishing we could just go home and relax. This happens at least five times a week. Every time we want to avoid them but can’t, they see us and we’re caught up once again in tedious conversation. How do we end the inevitable before it even begins? 
When they stop you to ask how your dogs are doing tell them you’d love to chat but you have to go make dinner. If that doesn’t work, tell them you really are glad to see them but you have to go poop.
No really, you have to go masturbate. You have to go murder your neighbor. If none of these things make your friend question why they are talking to you and leave then your only other choice is to walk away.
If you have the luck of seeing them before they see you the only way to avoid them is to immediately disguise yourself or disappear. 
If you are in the grocery store place a grapefruit in front of your face. You have to carry a grapefruit with you at all times. Don’t leave your house without sunglasses and a hat. 
Even in the store, if it is necessary, wear shades. You don’t have to be Paris Hilton to garner unwanted attention, especially in a small town. 
If none of this works tell them to fuck off. Now go home and masturbate. 

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