You got your English degree, now here are your best job options

You translated Chaucer, deconstructed Proust, memorized Shakespeare and analyzed Woolf but here you are, still in your pajamas sending resumes via LinkedIn that do nothing more than multiply your email spam. You need a focus, and I’m here to provide a list of the greatest jobs for your skill set as a recent English literature grad:

Hotel beds/amenities tester: You get over a grand a month to drink champagne, roll around in fresh sheets, and dutifully write the pros and cons of being pampered like Queen Elizabeth.

Professional mourner: Literature majors are melodramatic and morose so this is just one step away from your usual state, complete with a salary and tears, just like Tolstoy wanted.

Beer taster: Be a drunk. Hemingway and Fitzgerald would have scooped up this job in a second. It’s what you’d be doing anyway, just don’t forget to allot some of your writing time to describing craft beers.

Sleep study participant: English majors love to sleep in, and if you can’t immediately get a job at Starbuck’s (you usually need your Master’s for that) then you could just stay in bed and earn $18K.

Professional snuggler: If you’re a sensitive, Keats-type you probably need lots of love to feel happy so why not a job snuggling up to people? Japan has the most snuggle cafes.

Embalmer: Your college degree doesn’t come in handy here (or with any of these jobs) but while you’re fixing up dead people you will be churning out new material. You want to be the next bandanna-wearing David Foster Wallace, right? Just don’t pamper yourself to death.

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