Ever wonder what old codgers aren’t telling us? Before you’re an old wrinkled bag, don’t you want to know how things work?
In order to make the most of what we have, let’s take a look at what old farts have been quietly relaying to us thick-headed idiots all along:
**1. Relationships are in control of the person who cares least.**
It’s important to remain selfish and apathetic. Vulnerability and compromise sound nice in theory from a self-help book, but who is going to listen to someone whose emotional state mirrors a ladybug flipped on her back? (Your soulmate but that’s beside the point.)
**2. Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses.**
Your vices, your whining and your lack of self-control? They will lead you to great things. Like Trump great. Keep mooching. Be a selfish, lazy slob. It will pay off at some unexpected point – like between naps and Seinfeld marathons. Maybe the GOP rejects will endorse you for supreme human garbage.
But listen, what grandma most wanted you to know when you were too busy playing Mortal Kombat:
**3. Don’t lie to yourself.**
There is no perfect stranger out there for us (nobody but Patrick Stewart is perfect, everyone else is annoying, the sooner you accept this the sooner you can find joy); paradise is nostalgia; unrequited love is not romantic; and feelings follow behavior and the fridge.
Ok, now you’re as wise as possible. Get out there, Socrates.