Being your grandma is the new black

Our grandmas know what’s up. Many were around for the Great Depression. They carried hot potatoes two miles through the snow in bare feet to and from school. Many of our grandmas lined their legs to look like fancy pantyhose. Some of our grandmas worked on WWII planes and met Clark Gable. You know your grandma is/was the best thing since sliced bread and you should aspire every day to be more like her. Here’s how:
Knit. Hats, mittens, or scarves, knitting is mind-body medicine that reduces your blood pressure. Your baby nephew will look terrific in a wool cowboy onesie.
Take a nap all the time. When you wake up, go back to bed. Get beauty sleep. 
Mop the floor. Turn on some big band music. Dance with your mop. 
Turn the television up to max volume. It should be so loud no one can enter the house. 
Don’t let anyone leave the house after dark. Everyone has to remain in the house after dark and listen to your TV on full volume. 
Keep your teeth close. If you have false teeth you should keep them in a cup by your bed or bathroom sink. Do not lose your teeth. 
Forget hearing aids. Everyone is annoying. Just forget that ugly old hearing aid, there’s nothing worth listening to here anyway.
Go to the bathroom all the time. If you have to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes, that’s okay. The bathroom is a zen chamber. A sanctuary.
Walk to the mailbox. It’s good exercise and the promenade down your driveway will assure your neighbors that you are indeed still alive.
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