Modern Pride & Prejudice [Abridged]

Jane Austen: It’s a fact universally recognized, that a single dude in possession of good fortune needs a good bitch.
Mr. Wickham: im drunk talk 2 me
Darcy: She’s whatever, but not hot enough 2 swipe right. 
Elizabeth Bennet: I could easily forgive his pride, if he’d not totally wrecked my Facebook page.
Mrs. Bennet: [Darcy] is a douchebag, a total dick, not at all cool. So cocky and so vain … total bullshit!
Darcy: Like I can’t forget all the idiots and vices, nor the offenses against my brand, y’know? My feelings can’t be totally puffed with each selfie post. Go ahead, call my temper lame maybe. But my good opinion gone one time, is totally gone forever.
Narrator: Mr. Darcy had at first flat denied [Elizabeth’s] hotness – he looked at her with total apathy, giving not one fuck at the ball; and when they did meet again, he looked at her only to diss. But no sooner had he decided she was one fugly bitch, then, damn, he began to literally love the hot as fuck look in her eye.
Mr. Darcy: In vain I’ve been strugglin’, and it ain’t good. U gotta allow me to tell u how ardently I admire and love ur everydamn thing.
Elizabeth: Oh just take off ur pants.
Mr. Darcy: I honestly don’t know when or how this all went down. But it was like damn, forever ago, and I was like literally in the middle of it before I even knew WTF.
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