How to get your dream job even though you’re not an idiot

You have a list of accomplishments from teaching abroad in Asia to leading a philosophy club. You even have a Masters. So what’s the problem? When you excel a male coworker says “___ is trying too hard, too hard.” What’s the problem?

Maybe Dorothy snapped because she enjoys being a brown-noser. This is the only job she will ever know for the rest of her life. You can pick up and move on. This is her entire world forever. You need to express emotions without making people feel hurt. You basically want people to know when their corrections are unnecessary. Don’t they get corrected, too? No. But you are the emotional warrior, the silent heroine and all-seeing ninja. This is the Art of Persuasion and Elegance.

Don’t over-idealize your situation. Perhaps you’ve seen Bridget Jones’s Diary 42 times and know that when you get fired because the older lady likes your ex the reporter that it is only a matter of time before you land your dream job and Darcy says “I love you just the way you are.” This is not a movie.

Be patient. The first step is to perform a ritualistic witch curse on the reporter that ruined your life in the first place, and meditate out the demons that have convinced you that anyone besides your own mind has ruined your life. After exorcism through blatant eastern mysticism thievery is performed, you can continue on to bigger and better things, like getting drunk and emailing National Geographic for your dream job at 3 in the morning.

After all, you’re big on Twitter. They should hire you immediately.

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