How to decode a millennial guy’s language

“What the hell is a millennial?” he scoffs cleverly.

At the diner he stares glumly at his plate. “We’re starving African kids” means “since we had to get the plain eggs and toast without bacon and potatoes we might as well go to a third-world country and die because we’re pieces of shit for complaining about it.”

Your new beau means well but grew up on MP3 players and video games. Grunting is his favorite language and blog headlines are his Proust.

“I’m bleeding out of my asshole” is his way of saying “I fell on my snowboard and I’m wearing a diaper.”

“I have cancer” means “my mom breastfed me until I was 6.”

“I’m moving to Antarctica” is his unique way of saying “I’m weird and sad and love sweaters.”

“No” means “yes, I need a hand job.”

If he talks about bears a lot he’s suppressing childhood fears. “The Revenant was amazing, I can really relate to it” translates to “I am fierce too. I once had a gay experience. Please do my laundry.”

He’s still 6 on the inside and misses Inspector Gadget. Give him a donut and tell him he’s pretty. He might grunt but he will appreciate the pastry. Life is hard for the millennial man.

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