- Repeated failure to make it to professional or personal events. You didn’t go to the AA meeting. You didn’t go back to your therapist at the community-counseling center. You didn’t call your grandma. You didn’t wash your hair. This is all stuff that you can do tomorrow. Right now you have to lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and feel sorry for yourself. There is nothing else more important than this.
- Being late for everything. You have a clock on your phone but that’s inconsequential when every time you turn your phone on you have to check your facebook messages and see If anyone liked your post or the person you hooked up with four months ago replied to your “what’s up?” You can’t be expected to be on time when time is an illusion anyway. And people should feel grateful that you would bother showing up to be around their stupid existences in the first place.
- Poor or inconsistent work ethic. Working hard is for idiots anyway.
- Neglecting loved ones. You have a lot of work one day. You have nothing but grand theft auto and potato chips another day. Either way, you’re very busy and you have no time for complication, aka.- talking about feelings and relationships, being loving or listening to anyone else’s problems. Your problems are the only ones that matter, obviously. Anyone who cares about you should know that.
- A whacky excuse for everything. You are very important. Anything that you say is correct because you are the center of the universe.
- Stealing money for no reason. You took your significant others’ ice cream sandwiches. You took their whiskey. You took their laundry quarters. They owe you everything, anyway. They’re graced with your presence. That’s all that matters.
- Mood swings. Man or woman, it’s like you’re perpetually on your period. If your mood was a tangible object it would be a roller coaster, and the roller coaster would break and kill twenty people and you would probably just make a lame excuse like “it was raining and who care, I need a drink.”