How to find your dream job even though you’re not an idiot.

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You are trying to figure out how to enjoy your Sunday. Everyone loves Sunday. This is the day everyone has off to relax, watch Netflix and chill.

Except you recently lost your job because a coworker with more authority had a crush on your ex the reporter upstairs and now you’re sitting at your desk trying to figure out how to get a job you don’t even want in a town you don’t really think you want to stay in for a salary you probably won’t even see.

It’s time to figure out how you got here in the first place.

You graduated from high school with honors, and participated in a handful of extracurricular activities. You have a bachelors in literature with an emphasis on film theory and political science minor that no one will ever ask about but you can hold your own in a discussion about Bernie Sanders versus Hillary Clinton. You have a list of accomplishments from teaching abroad in Asia for a year at a conservative public school with Christian fanatics to leading a philosophy club steeped in existentialism and deconstructionism. You even have a Masters from a prestigious fine art university that the average Joe Schmo thinks is just a regular art school worth an online certificate from Phoenix. So what’s the problem? When you excel a male coworker says “___ is trying too hard, too hard.” When you joke the middle aged coworkers look at you like you didn’t need to do that. When you make a mistake that’s not even really a mistake but it’s different than the older people are used to, then they get condescending and you get defensive and they get emotionally disturbed by your arrogance and you feel hurt that this is going in a bad direction in the first place because you’re great. What’s the problem?

You need to walk from some things emotionally. Maybe Dorothy snapped because she is a shy introverted older lady and she doesn’t realize that you meant well when you mentioned her name in front of the boss. Maybe she just wants to be a brown noser. Let her be a brown noser. This is the only job she will ever know for the rest of her life. You can pick up and move and experience the world. This is her entire world forever.

You need to learn to express your emotions without making people feel like they hurt you. It’s not like you feel like a victim you just basically want people to know when their corrections are unnecessary and seem to only be coming directly to the younger female in the crowd when what about the guy you just hired and the older lady with the inane ideas? Don’t they get corrected too? No. No they do not because you should be able to take it with a smile. That is your job as a young female. Smile and take the heat. You are the emotional warrior, the silent heroine and the all-seeing ninja. This is the Art of Persuasion and Elegance. A true feminist will learn to speak when spoken to and express emotions that make everybody else feel important. You must learn to swallow your pride and play your role. Make people feel good. This is your purpose.

Don’t over-idealize your situation. Perhaps you’ve seen Bridget Jones’s Diary 42 times and you know that when you go to quit your job and get fired because the older lady likes your ex the reporter that it is only a matter of time before you land your dream job and Mr. Darcy comes to tell you he likes you “just the way you are.” But perhaps that is only your head turning everything into a movie and it will take a few months of working at a job you don’t particularly love and sleeping with a guy who thinks snowboarding is better than sex and wants blow jobs but refuses to eat you out before you finally find the job and man of your dreams.

Be patient. Everything will be perfect when you accept that it can’t possibly ever be perfect. Everything will come together when you accept that it is inevitable for everything to fall apart. The first step is performing a ritualistic witch curse on the reporter that ruined your life in the first place, and then meditating out the demons that have convinced you that anyone besides your own mind has ruined your life. Once this exorcism through blatant eastern mysticism thievery is performed in the wake of wiccan malpractice, you can continue on to bigger and better things, like getting drunk and emailing National Geographic for your dream job at 3 in the morning. After all, you’re big on twitter; there’s no reason they shouldn’t hire you immediately.

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