Grumblings

Can we just skip the formalities and go straight to the part where you get weird and start ignoring my texts? If you want to build a relationship with someone you have to open your eyes to all of the red flags, especially when you don’t want to see them. Like “I don’t give out my number I only use kik” or long silences interspersed with flirtatious innuendos.

If I could tell my future grandchildren anything it would be “people are fucking retarded”. Cussing is not bad for children anymore than occasional candy or wine. Tell them life is rainbows and unicorns and Santa is real and alcohol is off limits and fuck is bad and sex is bad and a few house chores are good because they can win an Xbox but chores without allowance will get them nowhere and honestly you’re going to have a real mess on your hands. Tell them people will break their hearts and lie and also be surprisingly beautiful and sweet because you never know until you do. Take this from someone who is working her way up to motherhood with plants, a cat, a dog and a steady stream of cuss words.

Sometimes when I’m on my period I just feel like a walking tampon. I bleed more than Joffrey at his wedding party. I can hardly move and guys complain about being misunderstood.

“Look a tattooed couple fucking in a bathtub in the forest, that makes sense” -tumblr. I’ve seen it all and usually 100 times because the strictly Reblogger blogs have short term memory loss and an obsessions with the mundane and absurd decorated with tatts.

If I were a bear I’d eat all the bad people and then I’d move to Antarctica because fuck this noise. I’ve always wanted to go to Antarctica and if not there Alaska because there’s something magical about seeing nothing resembling humanity for miles and the possibility that you’ll be swallowed up in the white void.

I want to date a nerd who doesn’t get off on talking about what a nerd he is. Why do you feel compelled to tag “nerd joke” is it because you feel like studying science makes you more worthy of being passionate for the universe and stars and space? That memorizing comic books makes you “different”? We’re all nerds here, lose the pretense, the false humility doesn’t become anybody.

Have you ever noticed how every handsome man has a female friend watching him like a hawk? “We’re just friends” she insists smiling nervously every time he flirts with a new girl, remaining ever loyal in the background like a shark ready to devour its prey. Please for the love of all romance do yourself a favor and let it go. He will never be yours or it would have already happened.

What’s after postmodernism? That’s what I need to know. Do androids dream of electric sheep meets Eckhart Tolle meets reality tv.

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