missing someone in two parts of deconstruction

part one.

I had a thought while driving into the city the other day that I missed my boyfriend. But I immediately thought I missed him the way he was on the good days years ago. I didn’t miss who he probably is now with his new girlfriend. I didn’t miss who he was when we fought, and when he was untrue. I missed the moments that remained tangible in my head when I wanted to remember what it was like to be held, and supported and understood. I missed the idea I had daydreamed about when I was with him of someone even greater than he could be, who could understand me even better, without words, and without conditional intimacy that could be interrupted by external forces. I hold on still to that memory of the daydream, and to the moments that were strong enough to remain in tact even today, like when I sat in his lap the first couple of weeks in his apartment and thought “I will never forget this perfect moment. This is happening now but it will always be happening somewhere because time is an illusion, so even when I am sad I can remember that somewhere this person as he is now and myself as I am now will exist together in this stupid old chair in this patch of light in this small room on this lazy afternoon in a comfortable silence, in love”. It is important to have these tangible memories, you can almost hold in your hand, when the day is upside down and you feel alone. It’s important to remember that the person you loved is not the same, at least not in the material world where we call them up and communicate like lovers. Things change, and people change, and yet somewhere deep inside of us the perfect grace of those immediate connections exists between us, on a level that isn’t broken by life changes and surface discrepancies. And we can find comfort in this fact.

part two.

so people leave.

I remember one time on twitter I wrote a joke about Doctor Who except I said something wrong about his name, and I can’t even remember what it was now, but this guy who is quite a big name on twitter laid into me hard. He called me a stupid cunt and he said I didn’t know a damn thing about Doctor Who (I think I had written it Dr. Who is what is was) and that I didn’t have the right to joke about it and fuck me and I’ll never make it big and all this crazy stuff that really got me shaky and feeling like the world had been turned upside down because he was previously this funny, pleasant jolly guy and WHAT HAD I DONE? It really ruffled my feathers but you know what? I got over it.

When I was in undergrad my good friend Dana was so upset with me for not attending her graduation party that she defriended me from Facebook, and she took my number out of her phone and she said she didn’t want to know me anymore. This was someone I had told all of my most intimate secrets to and been high and drunk with all throughout college, and we exercised at the Y together, and she had even kissed two boys I liked and I had forgiven her for that because she was big D and my buddy. At this time I had a boyfriend I couldn’t stand to be away from and he didn’t ever want to be with my friends, so I didn’t ever go out and she said that’s it! No more friendship. And I was so upset I lost her and I felt like a big part of my life was gone. But you know what? I got over it.

I’ve had a few guys block me from their lives for various reasons. Mostly because they didn’t want to be with me in the end in any serious manner and it was probably too much to have me there being hopeful so they found reasons to block me and they did it. Only one of them later came back angry that I every commented on it on my blog because he was privy to all I had to express. But that is again my blog. I was upset about all of these guys. But again, I got over it.

So people leave. And some people decide to treat you like you are a bad person and that you deserve to be left. I think it’s become easier to accept the hate and the rejections and the loss of friendships because I have gained so much in true friendships along the way, and I have also found more peace in my life, allowing me to decide, on my own, that I still do not want to go out much, and on my own, that I can express what is happening in my life in an honest manner without feeling like self-censorship is the only answer to maintaining the security of relationships. That would be a sad life, always depending on the filtering of one’s experiences in order to appease more dominant or loud personalities. I’m content in just knowing that the next day will be a more pleasant one and the good people remain, with the positive and the negative, and all of the honesty that they have to share.