Feb. 11th- a compilation of old thoughts

Look:
Into the horizon for change. Freedom instead of comfort.
Envision horizon though u can’t go.
Vessely: we are alienated and emancipated beings. We have technology only, what to do now? We have to teach…cannot teach until you know yourself first! Much education is instrumentalized, Means to an end.

Macrocosm/microcosm

Being taken off into another world… Doesn’t feel at all like destruction. You feel as if you’ve touched the heart of a place. Seeingsomerhung that was always there but you were blind to it…moments I live for…

Death heals fumbling accessories–

Limp and Pasty

Her tongue hung limp and pasty, like a tube of dried paint.
Bed bugs and wooden nickels,
Like a rabbit with hemorrhoids,
Let’s cross fingers,
Runway blasé surface change
Our separate ways,
Faces the same,
Ghost worlds linger,
Split our separate ways into
Nothing stays and actions
Guess my cherry-on-cake dream
to treat the men you could be an exit ground over juicy romantic ideals,
Dense stars,
death heals fumbling accessories.
Mind-control,
What I am paying for?
Loans too large,
Infatuations too abstract and dull,
Addicted to splinters,
polarity, my eyes,
Missing pieces, working on you, weaving into fear and laziness,
and out through life,
Walking in an objective, rational sleep,
Into your eyes,
A heavenly essence of life’s illusions,
Floating time.
Where does it lead?
Meaningless, eat some chocolate.
Bitch-slap loneliness, bratty conceit, fuck me dreamer-weaving excitement
Colored rose lenses absolutely brimming over too much.
I am consumed.
Passion drive me filled to move,
And his smell,
And I feel like slate against slate.
I need to feel love in nature or die,
I need compassion,
To live, feel hope.
I know nothing beautiful and little,
Fighting myself, lonely, projecting,
Running away,
I know better.
I took his pain inside me
when he rejected my love,
I wanted to feel weakness.
I fall back on strength.
As good as love gets, it gets strong with faith.
Inside all associations, all stories,
there is me and love,
and fighting, and then being back in life,
and the sun of mornings.
Movement, new, change,
and acceptance.
Go forward into hell and head spin,
and music and wind and original sin,
And internal worlds and if only this could last forever or die and come down and die, eventually, to change and come inside yourself.
Explode love into a million times a million dreams,
Of happiness tasteless starch,
and creamed envy,
Melted and moved
Into the world market,
Everything looks distorted,
Unhappy beings,
Wanting perfection, feeling used.
I’ve let my guard down, now I am strong,
My shield blinded love.
Blind love is fear and dependence and death,
My friend deceived and a lost human being. He shaped my world
Into a thousand pieces.
I saw love grieved and even music lost an answer.
Anthills they had climbed, and bites
we received happy to feel.
I want that reflection.
The truth to cry again,
Beauty returned to love after I screamed
And revolted with hate and sedatives
And Paxil and romance.
Yesterday was an anthill worth
my while.
I dreamt on a world of sadness
and color sprouted
and a flower of yesterday’s divine kiss
made new love from me the world outside flowered my heart burst into,
Into more dreams,
Thirsting for more, I spilled my drink and dried up and sprouted water
From beneath my feet,
From roots of pain,
I hurt the past,
I crushed my past and my dreams and loved to live for less to lose.
Water sprinkles in my secret garden.
The rest of my pain.
I am shaking and happy,
in misery I feel alive.

Like architecture is poetry, it can continually be redesigned inside, but the overlaying structure remains the same, so without edit, I expose some of my nakedness to you, um, reader.

Architecture.

What makes something more than a bird’s nest (aka. Shelter)? Architecture vs. Shelter

Architecture is more than spontaneous creation, tires piled up, defense mechanisms…
Is it engineering or architecture? More than things serving a purpose and money to create things…
Architecture: does it have a structure? Order? Design? Balance? Complexity? A clear agenda above utility?
Does it go beyond coyotes and birds?

Modern architecture requires creativity with function, interfering with global warming not an option, we now need this problem of the environment (aka. Architecture, construction in nature) to solve problems.
Three elements: architecture, environment, typography.
Society requires structure to construct social utilities, and for grounding roots to cultural mythology, nature.
For expression and spirituality, nature and a connection to infinity.
Structure vs. Architecture. What is a wolf and what is a wolf in sheep’s clothing? The decision is a full spectrum, and each individual pinpoints his own limitations and conditions…
Create your own interpretation. What is architecture? I think the Aztecs created architecture: needs incorporating psychological enigmas.

Point to self: prepare; to build your own ideas, your own ride into opinions. Everyone has their own suggestions and declarations. Keep your own mind, and decide what is true; derive meaning in your work.

Architecture for the masses is an oxymoron. “a camel is a horse designed by a committee”…
Architecture is a spatial vehicle for constructing meaning. Discover, cultivate, and protect YOUR meaning.

See book: “a man’s search for meaning”

Morning Note:

I dreamt I was in this hotel with many elevators (inspiration: my work place) except this hotel was incredibly large and haunted (I have a thing for spirits and ghosts in my dreams), and it had an Olympic size pool in a secluded hidden area you could only find by one spiral ascending and descending, mini-white elevator (also have a thing for architectural enigmas, water, and secret hiding places). My predilection for bizarre architecture dreams leads me to think I should continue my schooling in architecture, even if according to every typical mom in the country it is no longer a top grossing income, and engineers are more loaded. Big fucking deal, it is that or starving artist, moms. So second part of dream, two people complained about me being stoned, including my hairdresser’s coworker, because my actual hairdresser (I mean in the dream) was extremely fat and wanted to charge thirty for a trim, and I thought, oh hell no, bye (maybe should hold off on pot as I find most chemicals except for coffee overbearing on my little system these days)…off to an expensive massage. But worth it. And I should shower first. Last night I ran in the rain than fell to sleep in a melatonin stupor. I have to admit the boy with dark locks was in the dream too. I fear he will never go away, but we know that’s not true, not nearly.

Selfish Bastards in the Information Age–

I had a nightmare in my head that Oregon was going to start carrying sales tax but it was immediately relieved by a joke to self brought on after another unreasonable shopping spree before class: “You could never kill ourself cuz you have too many cute outfits in your closet yet to be worn!” With all of the shit brewing in the world I feel like a selfish jerk (aka, Supercilious asshole-bastard, aka. Stalin-Palin devil baby). Do you know who would take the cake for selfish bastards? (but he is an android so therefore disqualified from any criticisms placed on human character)…my apartment complex owner. Here I have a  beautiful studio, art deco, colored tiles in the kitchen and bathroom, a vintage, goth chandelier, and detailed windows, hard wood floors, but then the owner is probably a trust fund baby born into wealth with the brain of a PC computer chip, and the heart of a Sears appliance. I think he may actually be an android, but if he’s not, then the way he refused to shake my hand in our first acquiantance, and the way he rudely brushed off J when he once called to explain a starving kitten was deserted in the basement, not to mention the way he yelled at me over the phone the other day when I said it was his responsibility to fix the heater, and then hung up with I yelled back….well, because of all of these things he is a terrible, stodgy, plodding branding iron, and I want to toss him in a junkyard, and believe I might have to relinquish my home, (my handsome old lady home that won me honor through a DVD representation in my architecture class, and captivated friends with its classy, carnivalesque charms), for the sake of my sanity. Being ignored by coworker/exboyfriend whom I still masochistically pine for is bad enough, I am finding androidish behavior more prevalent these days, maybe I incite it with my unnatural naturalness, in which I say what’s on my mind, or maybe it’s the information age, and globalization making the world a hot bed of tech-dependent diapered dorks. I think if the Apocalypse is on its way, I have no other point in my ramblings then that I need to start getting laid more, listening to more hip-hop, and somehow get a car for Sunday trips to the coast and little Oregon towns with deserted barns and haunted hotels for photo projects. My other point was that selfish bastards suck, and I apologize for being one when I am one, because I know I sometimes am one.

Life’s not a piece of cake but there are piles of sugar lying aroung–

I realized tonight I have decided in my brain my fate is not intertwined with A’s. It took me time, and I have known and forgotten and will forget again. A year overseas in misery, a year together fighting, retreating inside myself. A year of pining…feeling empty. I still feel emptiness but J came & the last month alone brought clarity…pain and quiet alone, he helped me by breaking my heart again so I could feel a different pain and put it back together in it’s proper form. It was like I had broken it up so much it was patched with duck tape and I didn’t even know any better. I could never go back. Where would my life go? It’s over and done, I’m free. Today.

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